So, how does it all feel a few months the other side of the biggest crisis of my life since my conversion? Tempting to say come back to me in a year and I'll let you know. But seriously, its still devastating. There is no getting away from that. The tempation to perform a post-mortem daily is always there as is the 'encouragement' of good friends to come back. The reality is that I'm in a grieving process for something that was such a big part of my life and being. Really miss the folks in Aberdeen and all God was beginning to do amongst us.
There is so much of the process of what happened which seems like such a blur now - it was a very confusing time that seemed to have been hi-jacked by so many other people's agendas producing results which hit us like hammer-blows each time they were delivered. We asked for time to reflect which we didn't get. For time out, which we couldn't financially afford. Even having effectively withdrawn our resignation it was accepted anyway. We couldn't help but feel the pain of being so violently shunted for having shared some vulerable things on our heart with regards to our calling and ministry.
Why am I saying all this? I'm trying to make sense of the dilemma which is so difficult. Like I've said already, I'm salvo to the core. There isn't a day that passes, to be honest, where I wish I could put on my uniform and go do the business. Just sheer heartache folks. Desperately trying to respond with grace and not to allow bitterness to take root.
Thats not to say, however, that the Lord hasn't been gracious in blessing us with a new ministry. Trinity have been truly welcoming. We're seeing good things happen and its great to see this vibrant Methodist/URC going about its day to day ministry. More than that, in lots of ways I've been able to focus much on my calling to be a mission inspirer, Body equipper and just to break open the Word of life with folks. We have a great Alpha team, great developing men's ministry, great potential in small group development, and quite literally new families turning up on a Sunday morning nearly every week. So good and inspiring to see. I don't have to concern myself with buildings, fundraising, money, health & safety and the copious other aspects of officership like it.
Stephen Court recently emailed me a link to a previous article over at Armyrenewal I wrote some time ago about intimidation. Its a pretty good word, if I say so myself! You know, read it and be encouraged! But here I am sitting under my tree. My honest trouble is in discerning truly if where we are now is simply the next stage of God's plan for us, in which case I need to have the discipline to choose it every day, or, whether because of the combination of events a few months ago we were tipped out of the boat and need to climb back in.
The biggest risk of sharing your heart is that you have some 'Job's comfortors' line up to take a pop. Friends, we just ask for your prayer. Just prayers to the Great Healer on our behald. Appeciated like you'll never know.